for the love of derby: week twelve

this is a video i did not want to post because of ... yup my body and all the work i still need to do to get this plow stop. and here you go anyway. the password is plowstop.

derby was great this week. my plow stop is coming along. the left side is better than the right (not common) and i actually hear a tiny squeak on the track when i stop. plow stop progress while all the while two of my bodies keep colliding with each other. my actual body and the one i think i'm supposed to have. i felt lighter on my skates this week and faster. i attributed this to the plan by lyn-genet recitas and the work i have been putting in to eat better and shed a few extra pounds. felling all good and then i got on the scale (because it is required on the plan) and came face to face with the body i think i'm supposed to have. that damn scale says i weigh 155 pounds. five pounds more than what is considered "healthy" for my height and let's keep it real, 25 pounds more than the young woman i was after graduating from college; about 10 pounds less than my ninth month of both pregnancies and about 10 pounds more than where i want to be.

why is it not enough to just feel good in my body. in these strong bones that support these sinewy muscles that are pretty perfectly covered by this chocolate skin? why is it not enough to feel strong and capable -- to speed around the derby track just as fast as women half my age? why is that even at 45 i still find it hard to simply love the skin and bones and yes the extra pounds that i am in?

what i know for sure is that for reasons known and unknown, this world has fed women countless lies about our power, our beauty and our bodies. for decades i have eaten them up and find myself malnourished. roller derby provides me with so many of the things stolen and lost along the way. i get to skate with women and non gender conforming beings and witness the strength and beauty that is this magnificent human form. i get to redefine my sense of beauty and strength and joy. roller derby is forcing me to to get out of my own way and genuinely love my body for what it is … a miracle.